Dear Ryanair, no-frills can work both ways...

The following is a guest post from Murray Kerchavel, an Irish freelance journalist.

Dear motherfuckers of Ryanair's booking department,

This is a notice of a new contract between us relating to future flights.

Yesterday, I benefited from another one of your tawdry, cheap, barrel-scraping bus flights.

It was sheer fucking hell, but I got to my destination on time. And for that, I'm grateful to you. Yes, while you were probably fucking each other up the ass to save on toilet paper expenses, I was getting where I wanted to go, right on schedule.

This isn't the first time that your shit-spattered set-up has done what it has promised. Almost every time that I've traveled with your rancid, tin-can operation, I've been delivered to my destination punctually.

Sure, I've wanted to ring my GP for an emergency dose of fucking prozac after spending an hour with your fetid personnel, but that's beside the point, isn't it?

You always do what you say on the fucking, goddamned tin. You always treat me like absolute dogshit and you always get me where I want to be on time.

This cannot be a coincidence. There is a connection, I feel. So I have concluded that your cynical policy of 'no-frills' is the way forward: for Ryanair and for me, your fucking customer.

So from now on, in all future dealings between us, I am to be a no-frills customer. Consider this to be your formal fucking notice, dipshits.

That means, assholes, that you don't get any of your fucking posh-language finery or frills with me anymore. Frills such as politeness, courtesy or respect are out the fucking window. No smiles, no thank-yous, no freshly showered presence.

Fuck that. And fuck you. If you want that kind of fucking shit, go get another customer, you remedial cunts. No-one's stopping you. It's a free market.

See, these are my terms and condition from now on. And I'm putting you on notice. I will talk any goddamned way I want, you fucking pricks.

So the next time I book a flight with your swinish organisation, I will assume that you have accepted my booking subject to these new terms.

Of course, this also means that the next time you charge me stg9.50 for a fucking boarding pass and then tell me to fuck off back to the end of the line to queue up again, I won't feel hard done by.

And the next time you harass me verbally, non-stop, with your cheesy, tawdry fucking sales pitches for the entire flight, I will shut my eyes and accept it.

Because you are a no-frills airline, and you are behaving like a shower of absolute cunts.

But this is fair enough: It's in your terms and conditions.

So, in the same spirit, in future I shall rejoice in telling your skank clerks that they look like whores. And I shall call out to your baggage men that they need to hurry up because the Children Of God bus will be leaving soon. And I shall pick my nose non-stop during the flight and will show the results to your trolly dollies.

Not to mention releasing all of the farts that I usually hold out of courtesy to your staff. They're gone, mister.

Yes, I will now be a low-frills customer. None of this civilised, courteous fluff. I can act like an asshole. It's in my terms and conditions.

Agreed, retards?

I just want us to understand each other, is all: you continue to treat me like complete shit, ripping me off when I least expect it and getting me to where I want to get to on time. And I'll feel free to be a lout and call you cunts whenever I wish.

I feel this could be the start of a great business arrangement.

I look forward to our next flight, you fucking dickhead bastard wanker cunts.

Sincerely,

Murray Kerchavel,
Ballymun,
Dublin 11

Comments

[Aaron]

Sheesh, just fly with Aer Lingus, or KLM, or Air France, or Lufthansa, if they get up your nose that much. You pay very little. You get there on time. The rest is incidental. Angry fellow :-) I wonder, are you that confident when you're not behind a keyboard? (I say in jest, not in all seriousness.)

[John Smyth]

If Murray is this charming in real-life as he is online, he must be well used to being treated badly by others.

He managed to keep his journalism skills well hidden in his missive, too.

What sort of idiot continues to buy a service from a company they hate so much ?

[Lithium Industries]

What was that you were saying about being grumpy? :)

I think even Twenty Major would be jealous of the amount of expletives in this post.

Are you planning on entering this for a business journalism award?

[Adrian]

Right, that's it -- Murray's banned from writing guest posts for this blog. Has he no respect?

[Alan]

This is all extremely offensive:
- "you remedial cunts"
- "the Children Of God bus will be leaving soon"
- "Agreed, retards?"

I don't know if that text was an attempt at journalism, comedy, or both, but he's failed miserably. Murray Kerchavel is clearly a terrible writer.