Reality Bytes column of Sunday

For some reason, the SBP website doesn't put up some articles that are published in the paper. This one, published on Sunday, has a faulty link on our site. So here it is. (Only pasting it here as a few heads on Twitter were asking about it.)

Note to fellow bloggers and Tweeters: could we all please try and stop pretending to be extras in Melrose Place when we chat online?

Since when was something stupid "dumb"? Why is something brilliant "awesome"? And how many times does the phrase "go figure" actually need to be used in a conversation?

Yes, I am 36 years of age. Yes, my candidacy for the next series of Grumpy Old Men grows with each passing year. But "meh" is not a word. Neither is "OMG". And constantly reverting to "what's up with that?" to describe every problem is really bashing my brains in.

A toilet can be a loo, but it is not a 'bathroom' or -- even worse -- a 'restroom'. (I do not go into a pub's urinal area to have a rest.)

And when you're finished with something, you are not "good". If you say you're "all set", what are you set for? Please, please stop trying to audition for a teenage drama on Nick Junior.

Last week, someone on Twitter referred to a soft drink as a "soda". Soda, you moron, is something you use to make experiments in a laboratory. At best, it is a method of describing a type of brown bread.

Similarly, "candy" is one half of a big ball of sweet fluff you get at a funfair. It is not a Mars bar. And we eat chips, not "fries". And why, my fellow social networkers, have we abandoned our childhood love of buns and fairy cakes in favour of something called a "cup cake"? I have never eaten a cake in a cup, no matter what they do in Palo Alto or Santa Monica.

And please, please let us stop referring to business funding arrangements as "investment dollars". We are not living in New Jersey. If we were, maybe then we could legitimately refer to everything we purchase as costing "bucks". But in Ireland, a buck is a large mammal that frolics in the Phoenix Park, or a young man from Tipperary.

This cancer of Americanisms among bloggers and Tweeters is only going to get worse. Phrases that are starting to regularly turn up online now include 'movie theatre', 'show-home' and 'do the math'. Everyone is now talking 'with' people online and not 'to' them. People even claim to 'plead the fifth [amendment]' when they want to avoid commenting on something. (The fifth amendment, folks, concerns the separation of church and state.)

So come on, fellow onliners. Let's not just become mid-Atlantic morons simply because our heroes on The OC and Battlestar Galactica talk a certain way.

I am not asking for a Dickensian standard of English or long-handed verbosity. Abbreviations and verbal short-cuts to make a 140-characted limit in a text or a tweet is understandable. Constantly using "whatever' is not.

Comments

[Adam the Editor]

Fuckin A Man! Totally Rad. Let's get down with this proper english shit. Yeah!

[Emma]

I am guilty of using a certain amount of Americanisms myself; I blame it on my love of American punk rock and the fact that I adopted some of these phrases in my youth, in homage to my heroes. I call things dumb, I say they suck, and occasionally things rock. I feel quite shamed...

[Emma]

Oh! Hey! I just noticed you used 'folks' in this article! Explain yourself, young man.